“It shouldn’t be Funmi”….,
“It’s just not supposed to be like this between us…”
I started to panic, avoiding her compelling brown eyes despite the straight face I was wearing.
“You don’t know all of me to even start with” I continued…
Stop! “Please just stop! And hear me out”…I said, as her breath paused for seconds
“Just hear me out Funmi”.
“Okay!” she said slowly exhaling.
We had only been friends for 3 weeks and everything was moving so fast between us. Quickly getting fond of me, Funmi would often question my quiet and shy attitude; she would disturb me at every opportunity she has, trying to get me to open up whatsoever I’m hiding in my thoughts. She’d always believed there’s more to it as regards my personality, especially how I never flirt back at ladies much more beautiful than she is. She would always try to get me out of my thoughts or break my silence by patting my skin, repeatedly calling my name while her voice echoed lonely. She just never enjoyed me keeping my thoughts to myself.
Funmi was clearly not the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, but she was the perfect definition of pretty. Her perfectly combed hair would naturally relax on her shoulders, glittering the true beauty of black. Her eyes were the typical brown type and her dentition would always sparkle whenever she smiled. She had a few facial spots on her light skinned face which she never truly cared about, as she was a stickler for naturality. All through the three weeks we met, Funmi never wore makeup for once. Funmi was never endowed with breasts but was specifically gifted with hips that curved out an amazing figure on her body, a figure I was secretly drawn to. Her emotions uncontrollably bloomed each time her actions were behind every of my smiles. Her words would often stutter as her pulse inflated, causing her skin to blush out golden yellow when we hug each other goodbye. Sometimes, Funmi would sneak up behind me yearning to grab me from behind like a Bed bear, only to melt in my arms, pretending to faint when I turn my attention to her. She just couldn’t contain her emotions for me; it was damn too obvious for the world to see.
I, on the other hand, had every reason to fall in love with her, but my experiences with relationships in the past kept overshadowing all of my emotions; ten to one. I’ve been knocked down by love more than four times consecutively and I just couldn’t have another episode. I just couldn’t bloom my emotions for her. I cherished our relationship as friends such that I was everything she wanted me to be. I knew quite well that as friends, our relationship would go a long way, but as lovers; I wasn’t willing to take the shot!
“I don’t wish to be knocked down any further than I already have, I may never rise again…”
I said, trying to explain myself.
“It’s not you, Funmi, it’s me”…I started to express myself with a poem….
“The Pitfall to falling is getting back up.
You rise to your feet again
Only to be broken like a glass cup.
You become helpless, giving in to misery and pain,
Trapped in trauma; as you fall from the top,
You brace up right before the drop.
Defenseless you are, never always prepared for the pop!
You channel the pain as energy to get up
But you keep falling, oblivious as when to stop.
Your strength, draining by depths of your emotions,
Steadily losing grip, you capsize in your depressions….
Periodically drowning away to the world of the unconscious
You are consumed by feelings of your subconscious”…
“Funmi, I know what falling in love with you would do to me, to us”
Her ears interpreted my statement as Hope.
“What I do not know is the extent of my brokenness when we fall apart!”
“Please understand that I’m still in pieces of my past,”
“I’m still trying to pick up what’s left of me…”
“I still knocked six feet beneath the ground…”
“I cannot fall in love with you”…”I’m so sorry”…
With a deep sigh, she responded saying: “welcome to my world”. She asked to be excused.
Meanwhile, Funmi’s heart had been completely shattered in a million pieces more than mine upon hearing what I had just laid on her. I had just broken a piece of her heart, the one piece which she was able to find after years of being buried alive in her depressions. Despite being pretty, Funmi hadn’t gotten any passionate male attention in twelve (12) years; her childhood dream of living happily married with her husband was hindered by life, with each passing year steadily drowning her hopes of living it. Her reality never made life less difficult for her, as she had been diagnosed with stage three (3) lung cancer, giving her just less than 4 months to live. Her entire world crumbled right in front of me, as her eyes fluently spoke the language of tears. This was what she had constantly been facing her entire life. To be continued…
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A Lazy poet ©